If I asked you “what are the most important attributes to pay attention to when picking a partner?”, what would you say?
A great sense of humour maybe? Kindness? Honesty? A bulging bank-balance perhaps?
Whatever it is, it’s unlikely to be what gives you the hots for a guy when you first meet him – that je ne sais quoi that has your insides turning to jelly and makes you want to lean in a bit closer.
The things that you come up with as hypothetically most important to you, strangely enough, aren’t the qualities that get you excited about a guy right way when you meet him in the living, breathing flesh.
This, perhaps surprising tendency is nicely illustrated in a speed dating experiment by relationship psychologists Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel. In the experiment, the participants were young people, and they were asked by the researchers before the speed-dating event about what they valued in a partner.
As you might expect, the men tended to emphasise physical attractiveness while women were often on the lookout for guys with ambition and good career prospects and both sexes rated good personality as very important.
But once they sat down with potential partners during speed dating, both sexes said they were most attracted to the people rated as especially physically attractive.
So both men and women when faced with potential partners sitting right there in front of them, chose the ones they were attracted to physically.
Personality, it seemed was a secondary consideration, in spite of being what most people tend to think of as most important.
What we say we want is not the same as what we’re initially attracted to.
When you think about it, we’ve evolved to be attracted to certain attributes when we first meet someone – it’s what we call chemistry and the things that produce the chemistry aren’t necessarily the same things as what we consciously think would be good qualities for a relationship.
We’ve evolved to behave in the way that gets our genes into future generations and that’s not always the same as what makes us happy, so in a way it’s not surprising that a lot of us have the habit of going for the wrong kind of partner!
So we might say we want someone kind and considerate, but then when we get someone like that – we complain that they’re not edgy enough and there’s no spark.
On the other hand, when we come across some gorgeous hunk who also happens to be charming and charismatic – we’re blown away before we’ve even worked out whether he’s got the personality characteristics we say we want.
The thing is, our gut instinct about who we’re attracted to evolved back in the stone-age when couplings would have been relatively short term, and the important things to look out for in a man were health, brute strength and dominance for protection, and also good genetic compatibility for having healthy babies.
Even as older women who aren’t going to have babies we’ll likely have retained some preference for these things, so we have a habit of ignoring our own partner specifications when confronted with an actual live bloke.
Is this a problem? – well it might be.
It turns out that the qualities you think of as important in a potential partner before you meet them – they ARE really important!
The extent to which you partner has these characteristics partially predicts your relationship satisfaction and the length of your relationship if you end up getting into a long term relationship with the person.
But the point is they’re not necessarily what we’re attracted to when we first meet people – so this clearly tells us something about the wisdom of following our instincts immediately upon meeting someone – the person who we find irresistible right away isn’t necessarily someone we should be pursuing a relationship with.
It might have worked in the stone-age, but nowadays we’d do well to consciously override our evolved instincts and figure out ways to make better relationship decisions that suit us in the modern world, and for the stage of life we’re at.
So what does this mean for meeting men then?
It means we have to be mindful of what we really need in a partner to be able to have a happy relationship.
And it means hanging back when we get the surges of dopamine we experience when Mr Sexy is whispering in our ear, until we’ve worked out whether he’s got those qualities we know we need.
Yep, I know – easier said than done – but in this case it pays to put the gut instinct on the back burner.
It also means we shouldn’t rely on the chemistry to tell us if a guy is a good prospect for us.
If you’re with a guy who’s properly got what it takes, but you’re just not feeling the spark – give it time. Research shows that if we like someone, if we like their personality and their sense of humour – as we get to know them we come to find them more physically attractive – we come to desire them.
So just have a bit of patience.
So should you ever follow your gut instincts?
Yes there are some situations where it’s a good idea to listen to your gut. When you meet a guy that seems too good to be true – but you’re feeling a bit uneasy about him – then it’s a good idea to act on those impulses and get out of there, as your subconscious could be picking up on signs of the Dark Triad. This is something that I’ll cover in detail in another post.
But when it comes to the initial chemistry or lack thereof – don’t set too much store by this. It doesn’t tell you if you’ll have a good relationship with this person. You have to assess him objectively. And I’ll tell you more on how to do this soon!
If you’d like some support with finding the man you need, here are 3 ways I can help:
- Download my free e-book “5 Science-Based Ways to Find the Man You Need – for women over 50” and get started today on your journey to a fabulous relationship.
- Join our community in the Dating Evolved Facebook Group where you can ask questions and share experiences with like-minded women, as well as find great blog posts, videos and articles.
- Book a 30 min call with me – free, no strings – so we can get to know each other. I’ll answer your questions and give you some immediate tips on how to overcome your particular challenges.
Mairi x
Breaking News:
Our collaborative dating expert, Dr Mairi Macleod, is opening the doors to her popular, science-based online Group Study & Support Program:
For women over 50
She’ll be running two small groups, starting on either 29th or 31st January 2022
This program is truly transformative with many of Mairi’s graduates finding love (see testimonials below). Don’t miss this chance to make 2022 the best year ever!
And if you sign up by 4 days before the start date you’ll get the fantastic bonuses of a one-to-one session with Mairi and a review of your online dating profile!
And if that’s not enough, she’s also offering an exclusive discount of £100 to Pi Society members! Please use your member’s code.
So sign up quick for this fantastic program and find the man you need – for the relationship you want!
For more information and booking, click <<HERE>>
Here’s what women are saying about Mairi’s work
I’ve recently completed the 7 weeks of the Dating Evolved course and it has been absolutely phenomenal! I can honestly say I have met the love of my life – my soul mate and it really is all down to what I’ve learned on this course. Thank you Mairi – I have never been so happy x Nancy Harvey, 52
The course has taught me how to actually desire the man I need, rather than simply relying on chemistry, and I’m putting the advice into practice! I’m currently seeing a lovely man, seeing where it goes and simply enjoying the journey. I would so recommend this program!
Shona Hotson, 59
Thank you to Mairi and all the dear ladies in my group who encouraged me and led by example. I eventually signed up to online dating for the first time ever. One of my likes from the first day or so online has developed into the start of what could be a lovely relationship. I don’t think I could have made this progress without having done the Dating Evolved course and ongoing monthly support group.
Flora Keevil, 60
“This course delivered on all its promises and more. I have to say I could not wait for the next week and I felt so empowered and happy after each session. And I am now dating a wonderful guy!”
Adele Needham, 60
I loved the fact that Mairi’s dating advice is grounded in peer-reviewed science. This, combined with Mairi’s personal approach and readiness to discuss her own relationship experiences makes for a powerful combination, and really raises the game above other dating advice out there.
Claire Robertson, 62
Please click here to check out our membership page for further details.
Something amazing is happening in the world of advertising. Have you noticed the larger bodies images? All sorts of products are using all sizes of models. No longer almost exclusively the domain of the thin ‘perfect’ body, I now see realistically sized women (and sometimes men) in many images.
This is wonderful.
Wonderful for the millions of people who thought this was how they had to look. Because being thin = healthy perfect successful gorgeous, and somehow ‘good’, all in that image of slimness. When I say perfect, I mean thin in the right places with muscle in the right places too, particularly for men. Goodbye to this definition and good riddance.
The separation of health and body size has been slowly happening in the US (for example see Health At Every Size), only recently has it really gathered momentum here.
So let’s be really clear about this – you can be in a bigger body and healthy, and you can be in a smaller body and unhealthy. Thin does NOT (always) = health. In fact being underweight for your frame is really not good for longevity. Neither is yo-yo dieting.
Likewise, having a poor body image can affect anyone, whether small or larger. Poor body image means low body confidence, probably low self-esteem, and is likely to impact overall wellness of body and mind. Who isn’t affected in everything they do say and think, when constant negative abuse is running through their own minds about their size? And possibly facing external discrimination too. Relationships, families and social life, movement and hobbies, work, seeking medical treatment …… every domain of life can be damaged by poor body image.
This is why the recent liberation of bigger bodies is so important. It may take a while, it may not be full mainstream yet (I suspect it will take the film industry a while). But positive changes are happening. The last area of ‘legitimate’ discrimination is slowly on its way out. Thank goodness.
However, if you are thinking ‘all very well but I want to feel better TODAY’ then read on, I have some ideas –
- Take any clothes in your wardrobe that don’t fit you now and hide / recycle them. Leave only what you can actually wear now. If this means buying 1 or 2 new clothing items that make you feel at least OK, budget allowing, then so be it.
- We need to switch the focus from how our bodies look to what our bodies do. When you get into bed at night, before you turn out the light, think ‘what did my body do for me today?’ and thank your body for that. Maybe are grateful for the arms that hugged your children, or the feet that took you on that walk, that prepared the meal. Don’t forget your mind too – your amazing brain is enabling you to read this now. Thank you brain.
- And how about a morning acceptance practice – as you shower or dress, is there 1 area of your body that is acceptable to you? Your toes, your wrists, your eye, your hair? Focus on that, relish it, and tomorrow find another area. Try to build up to bigger body parts slowly.
- Another change of emphasis from size to health can be helpful. g, wanting weight loss is about denial and the future. Being healthier and showing yourself some self-care through how you eat / move / sleep / manage stress can start right now for most of us. Can you make 1 food switch today that shows your body some respect? Can you get to bed 15 minutes earlier? Can you breathe a little calmer while reading this?
- Starting today, stop judging other people on how they look. Don’t praise weight loss and don’t encourage others to do so. This reinforces it, and then how awful do people feel when putting on weight knowing no compliments will come their way. How about complimenting someone’s personality, values, actions? Then watch the ripple effect unfold.
- Can you find someway to move your body that makes you feel good? Don’t call it exercise if that scares you, no need to formalise it. Can you move in a way that your bodyand mind respond to – perhaps swimming, gardening, hoovering, walking? And if you connect with others in doing this, even better.
Changing thoughts and ideals ingrained in us isn’t easy. However, remember awareness is the 1st step to change. Take it one step at a time.
Imagine how much more headspace you would have for life if you didn’t spend a large chunk of the day hating your body – how liberating – how energising – how exciting.
I have some further resources to help
Watch – Stop Hating your Body Start Living your Life – Taryn Brumfitt
Read – Living with your Body and Other Things you Hate – Emily Sandoz & Troy DuFrene
Listen – Body Loving Kindness Meditation – Lynn Rossy
Want to know more?
I offer a free 30 minute chat to anyone with no obligation to sign up.
I help women who want weight loss, weight gain, or to accept where they are now.
I help women who want to feel good about themselves, calm their anxious minds, nourish their bodies.
I help women who want a better, healthier life, through taking care of themselves (and maybe their families)
How can I help you?
Please click here to check out our membership page for further details.
